update lol

ok..so i had a meltdown last night. haha. anywho, im a lil better today....dont think im ready for another day like yesterday though. didnt much sleep last night though. But im here to say that i no longer feel all psycho lmao. i tell you...all you single moms out there (and ones that their husbands work so much u feel like a single mom, as i do) im sure yall can relate to my feelings of last night...maybe yall wouldnt just have a complete meltdown BUT it got me thinking...i really wanna start writing again! :o) my husband as a man, doesnt listen much when i just need to vent...usually takes stuff too personal and ends up in a fight or if im upset he doesnt really sympathize(?sp) . he kinda just says sry and moves on...or doesnt actually listen to what im saying at ALL...so therefore gets me more upset.....so anywho...ventiug in a blog is a great way to get stuff out there as long as somebody doesnt follow my blog and really think im gonna just absolutely psycho and call the police, haha..how would i explain that....ummm well i needed to vent so i did, on my PUBLIC blog, haha.
 so yea, here iam...etin a little break WOOHO...hu didnt get called into work today o opeflly itllbe a lil better day... WE AVE AN ARD meetingforKyle tomorro after i pick hi up from school...well not rght after, actualyfor som weird reason tomorrow is early dismissal day e only goes tochol 3 hrs normally and will only go 2hrs tomorrow but whatever) anywho, at 11 there is an ARD meeting which is a meeting w/ the staff at school for his spech therapy hell be doing....hell def get speech therapy and said hell do it every day a school...this is just a meeting to kinda go over everything, i guess.....
  I called hubys insurance company yesterda and found out the kids have been covered on his insurance since the FIRSTof this MONTH!!! This frustrates me because theyve been sick and Peyton coulve already had her allergy test done BUT nobody noitified us! and they JUST sent out our new cards on the 17th! Anywho, Peyton has a new allergy test appt set but the SOONEST they had was NOVEMBER 2nd...ummm its still the middle of SEPTEMBER now...i told them to notify me if they have a single cancellation....sooo HOPEFULLY theyll call me..i dont even care if they are like can you come in now....sure i can! lol
   So yes, i WILL start writing again...i think this weekend ill get a notebook or something to keep all my writing in and maybe some pencils bc it really sucks having to waste pages and scratch stuff out, lol. maybe thats what ill do when the kids are both in school...go to college and get into writing again. hmmm... i think i need to go to the library and get some books, lol...i LOVE inspiration :o) ah....books...i used to like to read for fun, not read for class but just fun...stuff i picked out...stuff thats right up my alley.....yes, yes i think ill make a trip to the library while zachs home. Reading and writing....ahhhhhh...how ive missed when i could just do both all the time. but i tell you...i may lose a lot of sleep when im really into a book BUT im never in a bad mood! it relaxes me :o) and so does writing. maybe i need an english major, hahaha id need to relearn some stuff about grammar, though, im sure. now, what books would i want to read???? hmmm...i thyink ill do some browsing for some good books today and then go to the library :o) im out for now, til next time....

Life

Life, right now is chaotic. I dont know who i am, who i want to be...writing, now thats something i used to LOVE, now i dont know what to write...my mind has become empty. I love my children but there are times i really dont think i can be a mom. I dont think im able to be a good mom. days, like today...non-stop having to get on to them, no matter what..i never get a break and when i try they do things way worse than before i tried taking a break. i cant do this. i cant keep a good state of mind wi th all this stress and anger. they make me sooo mad...i dont do anything TO them, i want to do something TO myself sometimes. i know i never will, i cant. i think about it though sometimes. what would happen if i wasnt here. my kids deserve better than me. maybe i am the way i am because i dont love myself. maybe because i cant love myself, i cant be happy. whats happiness here anyways with the way the world is? I cant help but think that id finally be happy, with God. How about my kids...my husband. well they are strong...i think of how they could move on since the kids are sooo young and zachs still young enough, he could meet someone and get married again. then he could have more children, if they wanted. and im sure hed know to do better the next time than the first. and thats what they deserve, better. i dont deserve to be in heaven but what happens if i lose it, i mean SERIOUSLY lose it?? what will i do? what could i do? if i truly went insane?  ive learned, that without rest, or a break, you can drive yourself to insanity...is that whats happening to me? can i contro. myself without ever going that far, without actually goin insane? i just dont know. i know once i take a mental break and get away, get my feelings out there, like im doing now, i feel a little better, like some weight has been lifted..at least momentarily. til next time. and theres always a next time because i never get a break from all this chaos

first blog and idk what really to say

ok so i really dont know what to say..here i am 25 yrs old, married with 2 wonderful children that God has blessed me with. Where would i be without them??? I really dont know. Im not sure what i want from life...actually I really dont think I really know myself...I mean Im very self conscious and after all the pregnancies back to back ive gained like 50-60lbs and when i diet and even diet and exercise I cant seem to lose more than 15lbs...grr....then guess what...i gain it all back! I really dont know what to do about all of that. Luckily my kiddos still love me for who I am and always will. My husband does too....i am my biggest critic but I wonder, how can my husband love me if I cant love myself? I guess blogging is just a way to get things off your mind...maybe sort of like a diary that you can share with whomever you want. God gives us soo much and i realize I dont deserve anything, i sure havent done anything for God....nothing worthy of His amazing love and amazing grace.....yet I always ask him for more...like I cant ever be happy with everything goof in my life...i just look a the bad...thing is, i wasnt always like this....i used to be EXTREMELY optimistic...nothing could bring me down! Then i went to high school...no i didnt get picked on by classmates...actually i have a twin sister who has always been really thin and actually my dad used to tell me i should join track like her so i could lose weight and get in shape like her....i was in the 120/130s 136 when i graduated...id kill to be that thin again. anyways my freshman yr i was in cheerleading (hated it) softball, swimming and diving...didnt do sooo much the nxt few yrs but always was in some sort of sport but it was never good enough bc i was never thin enough. always compared to my twin who is built different than me. im full chested, shes flat chested....im bigger in general. height and everything.....ill never get as thin as she can. she has also never had kids...i had 3 in a row...yes i said i have 2 childrne. i actually gave my 2nd child to my twin bc she was havign problems havign vhildren...lomg story but i was single, had my son and there was no way i could support the child even if i wanted to, which i did, buti wanted the child to have everything and more and my sister couldnt have children and wanted one sooo bad and had good job and stuff. lemme say that child is spoiled rotten. lol that was a difficult decision to make but i have to regrets. i wonder "what if" sometimes but who wouldnt? I dont really see her much so maybe that makes it a little easier. everyone tells me that it must be much easier giving her to family...yes and no. yes because i KNOW shes ok, but no because when youve created a bond during pregnancy and seein the child all the time...well that doesnt make it easy at ALL!

   ok, so life right now is MUCH better than it was this time last year. last year was really rough but i guess it makes us appreciate things more...appreciate having money for food...and just appreciate more...idk anyways im going to stop blogging for now...til next time....