first blog and idk what really to say

ok so i really dont know what to say..here i am 25 yrs old, married with 2 wonderful children that God has blessed me with. Where would i be without them??? I really dont know. Im not sure what i want from life...actually I really dont think I really know myself...I mean Im very self conscious and after all the pregnancies back to back ive gained like 50-60lbs and when i diet and even diet and exercise I cant seem to lose more than 15lbs...grr....then guess what...i gain it all back! I really dont know what to do about all of that. Luckily my kiddos still love me for who I am and always will. My husband does too....i am my biggest critic but I wonder, how can my husband love me if I cant love myself? I guess blogging is just a way to get things off your mind...maybe sort of like a diary that you can share with whomever you want. God gives us soo much and i realize I dont deserve anything, i sure havent done anything for God....nothing worthy of His amazing love and amazing grace.....yet I always ask him for more...like I cant ever be happy with everything goof in my life...i just look a the bad...thing is, i wasnt always like this....i used to be EXTREMELY optimistic...nothing could bring me down! Then i went to high school...no i didnt get picked on by classmates...actually i have a twin sister who has always been really thin and actually my dad used to tell me i should join track like her so i could lose weight and get in shape like her....i was in the 120/130s 136 when i graduated...id kill to be that thin again. anyways my freshman yr i was in cheerleading (hated it) softball, swimming and diving...didnt do sooo much the nxt few yrs but always was in some sort of sport but it was never good enough bc i was never thin enough. always compared to my twin who is built different than me. im full chested, shes flat chested....im bigger in general. height and everything.....ill never get as thin as she can. she has also never had kids...i had 3 in a row...yes i said i have 2 childrne. i actually gave my 2nd child to my twin bc she was havign problems havign vhildren...lomg story but i was single, had my son and there was no way i could support the child even if i wanted to, which i did, buti wanted the child to have everything and more and my sister couldnt have children and wanted one sooo bad and had good job and stuff. lemme say that child is spoiled rotten. lol that was a difficult decision to make but i have to regrets. i wonder "what if" sometimes but who wouldnt? I dont really see her much so maybe that makes it a little easier. everyone tells me that it must be much easier giving her to family...yes and no. yes because i KNOW shes ok, but no because when youve created a bond during pregnancy and seein the child all the time...well that doesnt make it easy at ALL!

   ok, so life right now is MUCH better than it was this time last year. last year was really rough but i guess it makes us appreciate things more...appreciate having money for food...and just appreciate more...idk anyways im going to stop blogging for now...til next time....