Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Life
Life, right now is chaotic. I dont know who i am, who i want to be...writing, now thats something i used to LOVE, now i dont know what to write...my mind has become empty. I love my children but there are times i really dont think i can be a mom. I dont think im able to be a good mom. days, like today...non-stop having to get on to them, no matter what..i never get a break and when i try they do things way worse than before i tried taking a break. i cant do this. i cant keep a good state of mind wi th all this stress and anger. they make me sooo mad...i dont do anything TO them, i want to do something TO myself sometimes. i know i never will, i cant. i think about it though sometimes. what would happen if i wasnt here. my kids deserve better than me. maybe i am the way i am because i dont love myself. maybe because i cant love myself, i cant be happy. whats happiness here anyways with the way the world is? I cant help but think that id finally be happy, with God. How about my kids...my husband. well they are strong...i think of how they could move on since the kids are sooo young and zachs still young enough, he could meet someone and get married again. then he could have more children, if they wanted. and im sure hed know to do better the next time than the first. and thats what they deserve, better. i dont deserve to be in heaven but what happens if i lose it, i mean SERIOUSLY lose it?? what will i do? what could i do? if i truly went insane? ive learned, that without rest, or a break, you can drive yourself to insanity...is that whats happening to me? can i contro. myself without ever going that far, without actually goin insane? i just dont know. i know once i take a mental break and get away, get my feelings out there, like im doing now, i feel a little better, like some weight has been lifted..at least momentarily. til next time. and theres always a next time because i never get a break from all this chaos
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Robin, do you feel better?? I hope so!! Im a little shocked, Id like to tell you Im here if you want to talk, but I dont know what I would say in response! I have to say, I think we all have our moments of insanity, and wonder what it would be like if we were to go away! In the end I don't want to leave my family, and I know you don't either, some days are worse than others and other days..they are WORSE than WORSE!! But then there are the GREAT momenta that make us realize those Worse and worse than worse moments are all worth it!! You are what your kids deserve to them you are the best, you are all they need. You do the best you can, and thats all they need. You know, that I, same as you, do not get a break!! Getting out of the house helps...but it doesnt last forever. Im sorry your feeling like this, and I hope you know, that Im here and you can talk to me!! Oh, and you are a much better person than you give yourself credit for!!!
ReplyDelete